Maladjusted, Malfunctional Holiday Magnificence

Posted: December 2, 2011 in Sometimes I'm Sober, Sometimes I Drink
Tags: , , ,

(sent to me via email by one of my besties…like I needed the reminder)

I’m not sure when or how the hell it happened. One minute I was in my summer dress sipping on delicious chocolatey milkshakes, working on my already awesome permanently,  cinnamon-y tan; and then the next, it seems like  I blinked and suddenly I was in Shop-Rite looking for ingredients with which to anal-probe some poor bird who never really had a shot at life once the egg  hatched.

This time of year, every year,  can be usually more straining than others. It’s something about the holidays that makes all the brain chemicals coagulate or combine or explode and bring about even greater dysfunction than usual. Besides the stores (who suddenly feel the need to play “Jingle Bell Rock” in fucking September.), you will then also have to deal with family.  As someone who comes from a large family (and has also fully accepted the fact that she ain’t totally right in the head, but is trying to find a way to make it work) I already know what happens when different personalities collide.  The holidays may sometimes make you have the urge to take a big bowl of mashed potatoes and dump them over your sister’s suede boots because you suddenly remembered that time she took your favorite gold earrings and lost them. Or you might have to deal with your mom’s none too subtle guilt trips and comparisons between you and the siblings that she swears she doesn’t favor more than you. Maybe, just maybe you feel the need to “accidentally” stick your foot out and make your cousin trip face first into the bowl of jellied cranberry sauce (these things happen.)

Yeah, yeah; I’m sure once upon a time it was possible to have a “normal” family gathering complete with the prerequisite 2.5 kids,  a dog named Fido waiting patiently for the turkey bone that would be given to him for being a good dog, a handful of first cousins and some aunts and uncles, and both sets of grandparents. The time when little kids sat at the little kids table,  shut their pieholes and waited for the day they hit 13 and were considered old enough to rock with the adults. You know..the good old days. The days Nana & Pap were actually about 70 years old and had to have their food puree because Polident hadn’t been invented yet. Mom wasn’t yet on her “nervous pills” that she chased down with a dirty martini because that was the only way she could function enough to plaster a smile on her face and put together a fabulous meal for about 15 people who could actually fit around the table and give thanks for Native American genocide and gifted syphilis-free, cozy blankets. Or the old standard Christmas image, Suzy and Bobby in their jammies, snuggled in bed, sugar-plum fairies in their heads, Santa’s got his milk and cookies waiting for him, presents wrapped and under the tree and all is right with the world. Rudolph is on his way.

Not today though…

(It’s so bad that even the North Pole gang now has to seek therapy)

Nope, now the spirit of  the holidays now include but are not limited to: The need to carry pepper spray into Walmart, the possible taking of one extra dose of Xanax or whatever nifty anxiety/anti-depressant/cold & mucus suppressant they may have available. Don’t forget the Ritalin because now a 3-year-old has to be diagnosed with ADHD, instead of just being a fucking naturally hyper 3 year-old. Or, my personal tried and true family/holiday dysfunction cure-all: alcohol. (I love my family, but if there are more than 10 of us in the room, please direct me to the bar or stash that you may have for keeping up appearances that you are not a lush.)

Oh, I’m not simply just trying to use dysfunctional family as an excuse to imbibe wines and spirits. But dammit, they are helpful (unless you are an alcoholic, to which I say..stay away). From Thanksgiving until New Year’s, I’m drinking.  Not because it helps to ease tension, it’s because it makes the dysfunction that much funnier (especially for my sick sense of humor). And I sure do love when we get together to have a good, old-fashioned maladjusted, good time. Because at the end of the day….isn’t that what it’s all about?

Yes, the holidays can be and are indeed rough. I sit in utter amazement when I hear about “normal” holiday events. Who knew they still existed? (Do they really or are people just lying?…tell me the truth) What’s that you say? Your cousin didn’t  forget to remove the bag containing the insides of the turkey? Your dad didn’t get in a funk because people weren’t receptive to his genius idea that basting the turkey with a power washer would get double the moistness in half the time? Your mom didn’t sigh in disappointment when you walked into the house boyfriend-less yet another year, and then proceeds to tell you how your 55th cousin twice removed, divided by 9 (who’s a stripper) found a nice, young man who is very accepting of her career choice of picking up money with her woman parts?

I do love the holidays, not for the mass consumerism consumption, nor for the annoying tinsel that seems to get stuck to everything. And it’s definitely not for the fact that I will probably now need to wrap myself in bulletproof vest under my Northface and possibly a gas mask. (Although I did enter and win a tug-of-war with a feisty old lady for the last Bratz doll one year…take THAT Centrum Silver)  And I definitely don’t feel like standing around looking for a damn tree while my nips are hardened enough to cut concrete. I love the holidays for the element of surprise, never a dull moment opportunities and situations that are almost always guaranteed to arise with my relatives. You don’t get my kind of dysfunction by having anything “normal”.

You know what I say to anyone who claims to have a normal holiday time filled with love and smiles and all of that ABC “365 days of Christmas” bubblegum bullshit?… Stop denying yourself the opportunity (or just stop denying that your family time is almost always fucked up) to get inebriated in a way acceptable to society (in other words, if you DO get shit-faced, please make sure you pack your jammies and make plans to crash overnight) and laugh at your family….you don’t know what you’re missing.

  1. misssuburbia says:

    Ditto on family during the crazy holiday times!! And I don’t know why Christmas music plays in stores in early September…I guess because there’s no such thing as Halloween music yet.

  2. twistnpout says:

    Cheers to that!!!

    Great post AGAIN.
    I am from a very small family, but there is enough dysfunction for a small village.

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