Ms. Sarcasm’s Rant: Annoying co-workers

Posted: December 20, 2011 in Entertainment, Sometimes I'm Sober, Sometimes I Drink

Like any other patriotic, country- lovin’ American, I exercise my right to complain about my job.  A right that I hold near and dear to my heart, right up there with the 1st and 2nd amendments. Yes, I know I should be happy that I have a job in these tough times and yes, I know how many people would LOVE to have it (I give them two weeks…seriously) and if it wasn’t for the fact that I brought someone into this world that needs trivial things like food, clothes and shelter; I would quit this bitch in a fashion that includes fireworks, a skywriter and quite possibly a marching band. But, I digress.

One of the main reasons that I detest my job is because of the people  I come across. Between “management” and the people who are dumber than a dildo with dead batteries, it makes the work day pretty hard.  So let me state for the record, I don’t bemoan the fact that I must work, because I actually like the food..a lot, way too much for some people but that’s another story. I bemoan the asinine fuckwits that I have to share my hell with. Speaking from past and personal experiences, I have always worked in an office setting,and while I understand that there are different personalities in the world and they won’t always clash, these motherfuckers are the reason I refuse to put “gets along well with others” in my cover letter.

The Incompetent, scumbag  Supervisor:

There is an expression: “If common sense was common, then everyone would have it.” and believe you me, if it isn’t the goddamn truth. You ever have someone  who is over you and wonder how the fuck they get out of bed without maiming themselves ? This person has somehow perfected the art of fucking up the simplest thing and leaving the underlings to sort it out while they scuttle back into their office and shuffle papers around looking important and competent. And don’t ever think that this person will actually acknowledge who does the real work. Every honor, accolade or simple comment will somehow never reach your ears. Ass-kissing is obviously an important characteristic for someone in this position to have. And they do it shamelessly. I’ve watched my supervisor ass-kiss with such  abandon that it amazed me that our VP doesn’t have her lips literally tattooed on her ass. They are also not above blaming you for their fuck-ups because it’s easy to sit behind a desk and shuffle papers whilst looking capable then actually working.  But if you so much as try to wipe your nose with the corporate Kleenex they are full to the brim with asinine quotes about teamwork,  leadership, no I in we bullshit. Kick rocks.

The Brown-noser

This person is not to be confused with the Incompetent Supervisor, but they are just as bad, because this person also helps to make life a living hell. It doesn’t matter what needs to be done. Let’s say your supervisor has the audacity to tell you that she needs the dried shit cleaned from her Yorkie’s ass-hair by a process that includes finger combing with a complex solution of baby Palmolive and Distilled water…you might look at the bitch just like she is….fuckin’ crazy. This motherfucker will scramble to his/her feet, baby-talking the rat dog all the while telling a bullshit story about how their Grandma Mabel used to run a Yorkie mill and this is exactly what they had to do to earn their allowance. They either don’t know when to quit or they really truly believe that if they prostrate themselves low enough to have their spines completely aligned from being walked on enough they will succeed. And usually sometimes because they are the pet they get away with a few things, because have no real ethic and are just bullshitting along or even occasionally sabotaging shit so that he/she can look good. Annoying as hell right?  You might want to get them back but might not know how or fear for your job security, Which is why you must not get caught setting their home page to granny porn or possibly drug them, duct-tape them and lock them in the old supply room usually used for office sex. (If you’re a nervous Nellie, I vote for the latter.)

The Tattletale Who Tries To Make It Seem Unintentional:

This person is always trying to make sure that they are around, peering into your cubicle or trying to look over your shoulder to see what you’re doing on your computer, asking what you’re reading in a really loud way so that they can scuttle back to their desk and shoot your supervisor an email under their secretly understood spy name or put on that phony ass “Taylor Swift shocked” look when you give them the Death Star glare. Depending on your office size, it is a challenging mission to keep this person a wild-goose chase for information to go runtelldat. I once had a tattletale who was clocking what time I came into work, what time I went to lunch, how long I stayed in the bathroom etc. Not just me, but other people in the office as well. Even if they weren’t really doing anything bad per se. It was real fucking annoying. Until, one day I cornered her in the parking garage and whispered sweet nothings in her ear about my knowledge of her afternoon trysts with a married person who I knew had a certifiable, psycho wife. Et voilà! Suddenly, she knew how to keep her mouth shut and mind her business. And I wouldn’t have really told about her scandalous, car hood genital bumping activities because that’s her business. It was just a matter of principle.

The Whiny Bitch:

Male, female. It doesn’t matter, whiny bitches just grate the nerves. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher sing Christmas carols through that God-awful T-pain microphone. I’d rather have a starving baby scream in my ear through a megaphone than listen to this person for longer than five minutes. This person will complain about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. The office is too cold, the office is too hot, that wasn’t the microwave that they agreed to chip in $5 for, they think someone switched their chair. Blah, blah, blah. Their complaints are never really anything worth them spreading their rancid smelling carbon dioxide. This person usually has no significant other,( or if they do then this person has held their genitals hostage  or  is sharing them with someone else) or they have no prospects of getting one, and/or  some sort of pet that only pays them attention because they rely on them for feeding. On a bad day, you might want to crack them in the mouth with your keyboard, just so they can shut up. On your best day you can tune them out and subconsciously gain some fodder to imitate them later on at lunch.

The Permanently Incredible Hulk: “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” seems to be the personal motto of this person. My question is: When the fuck are you not angry? Life can be a real drag but sheesh can’t you smile about something?  Most of my friends say I’m cranky, and I am even willing to admit it to an extent but this person has me beat. This person makes me look like a damn sweetheart. It seems like they are ready to throw a chair through the wall at any given minute or quite possibly go on a murderous rampage. This type of person is always confrontational, which means something as simple as “Good Morning” could turn into a UFC fight or an argument because they feel the need to reply with some snarky shit like “What’s so good about it? Do you know what I had to go through today?? Do you?!?”…yeah they are just a fucking joy.  And don’t even think about trying to not say  “good morning” because then they will be pissed off about that too. They seem to live their life in a cluster fuck of anger and it leads one to  wonder if they go home and kick their cat or masturbate with that much intensity.

The Genital Bumpers (who might turn into ex’s) :

Provided an office doesn’t have a strict no-dating policy, then there is potential for work to turn into some afternoon, copy-room humping please and dating co-workers are fucking nauseating (at least until they break up..then it gets interesting). They are always stealing away to canoodle and sending each other cutesy nauseating emails filled with “xoxo” and cutesy emoticons, giggling like fucking loons as they go to “lunch” and never return with a doggy bag or even ketchup stains on the collar (I don’t even want to think about any other stains they might return with) they are even worse than couples who check-in as being “Home with the love of my life currently” on Facebook. Not only is it sometimes distracting while they are in the throes of lust, but if it goes bad..then it’s hell on Earth eight hours. The sniveling, the hiccupy crying, the fucking sad songs Ipod playlist. There is a real potential for disaster…especially if the new boo comes around to get that nooner lovin’.

      

There are many other types: Thieves, compulsive drug abusers and the one who always seems to wind up with your favorite pen. And I’m not using this say go ape-shit and judo chop that annoying bastard in the throat, but it helps to know you’re not alone, or maybe gain some perspective if you are one of these people. Life is difficult enough with the day-to-day grind and the individual stresses of trying to keep your head above water, dealing with assholes is to be expected but it’s not so hard to check yourself and not be the asshole all the time.

(A-fucking-men it does…)

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