Posts Tagged ‘singing santa’

There is a fine line between crazy and just being batshit psychotic that people flirt with daily. Christmas shopping just seems to exacerbate that line even more.

The long lines, God awful music, the rudeness fact that just seems to increase after Black Friday. The fact that today I actually got into a tug of war over an Elmo toy that I wasn’t even fucking buying (I’ll get to that). I’m not a shopper, I hate crowds and I don’t like to be poked (on Facebook or otherwise). So of course I am now kicking myself in the ass because I let myself get talked into going into Wal-Mart after my lunch hour (fyi…I hate that place) and it’s more packed than a paddy wagon at the Mexico border. None-the-less I grit my teeth and peruse the selections along with my co-worker, all the while taking in the frustrated, aggravated, stressful tones.

My ears take in all the various snippets of conversations “No, she likes blue.”…”If I can’t find this video game here so and so is gonna freak.”….”Do you think she’ll like it? She complained the last time she didn’t like what we got her.” , “Just shut up and buy it.” Blah, blah fucking blah. I’m not a grinch, I like the holidays well enough, but to honest I more than likely would not be celebrating it if it wasn’t for the fact that I have a kid and don’t want to deprive him of a childhood. But my patience gets thinner by the nanosecond, I can feel my fingers curl into a fist and have to curb the urge to punch a singing Santa display right in his chubby-cheeked grinning face.

   So now we’re in the toy section, and my friend sees the Elmo doll that she wants to buy for some kid that will play the fuck out of it and annoy his/her parents until the batteries run out (it does run on batteries..right?) but it’s on a high shelf. So naturally, my Amazon-ess comes in handy and she asks me to reach it for her. At just about the same moment my fingers close on to it and I start to pull it down, some hand with big, fat fingers grabs at it…in something could only happen to me, our fingers close on it at the same time and we both bring it down. Sir Snausage Fingers then tries to muscle it from me.

Oh. Hell. Fucking. No.

My Bronx kicks in,because you ain’t just gonna try to punk me Mister. Yes, there were still a few more on the shelf, but all of a sudden in that moment… I wanted THAT one. So I proceed to make eye contact and tug back.. Snausage fingers tugs again with a little force…I tug back and pull extra hard and snatch Elmo to my bosom, give him the evil eye and walk away, adrenaline pumping and cheeks aglow. Fuck yeah..I win Porky. I even do an evil laugh as my friends and I walk and they laugh at my expense. Because isn’t that what Christmas shopping is really all about? Isn’t that what makes people leave their families and homes to be at stores at ungodly hours on Black Friday? It isn’t really just all about the potential for fabulous and unbelievable markdowns. It’s about the possibly of  maybe, just maybe, getting to cross that threshold into psycho land, relieving some stress and having the opportunity to bitch-slap someone who tries to get in the way  (as long as you can run before the cops get there). ‘Tis the season.

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